Home

Do you ever have those days where you just sit and wonder how you got to the place that you are at now? As I sit in my new "home" listening to the lyrics of Jeremy Camps new song echoing through the walls I am reminded of the desire I have for a consistent home.

"I hold on to this hope and promise: There will be a day with no more tears, no more pain, no more fears. There will be a day when the presence of this place will be no more.....but until that day I will hold on to you always."

Maybe it's because I have never had a house that's felt like a home. When I think of a home, I think of a place where love abounds, forgiveness is near, community is a step away, and where the promises of Christ are held together through the nearness of prayer. I've never had that in my life. I've had a wonderful house to live in don't get me wrong. and I've had a wonderful family....but the home I dream about is so much more than that. I've moved so much in the last few years that as I listen to this song I am brought to tears with the reality that my heart is not content to be on this earth and living in this place. Life wasn't created this way. Life was not meant to be lived in boxes moving from place to place. This theme has been so prevalent in my life lately. The other day I read in my Bible this scripture:

"“Therefore we are always confident and know that as long as we are at home in the body we are away from the Lord. We live by faith, not by sight.” 2 Cor. 5:6-7

I think I've never really cared about what the four walls that surround me look like. I've lived in small dirty places and yet still felt content. I credit the Lord with reminding me that the four walls that surround me are temporary and that what matters is the love that surrounds those four walls.

Yet.......I still often desire a consistent place

So what can I do with desire for a consistent home with consistent people who are present one moment only to leave the next? People entering and leaving your life is such a common thing that everyone experiences, yet the pain of having something so close only to leave is a pain that I often wonder how long I can continue. Yet God has been working in my heart reminding me that there will be a day when all pain will be washed away. Until that day he has commanded me to cling to his promises that he is with me during every step. He has commanded me to remain faithful, despite my desire for my eternal home. Even when nothing seems to be consistent in life......He has shown me that HE is consistent in every step I take. Home is to near..........Even though I don’t understand what is going on half of the time, yet am I encouraged by the things I can understand......that Christ has been and will always be the consistent home by which I can rest my head and find a place to call home.

“Therefore we are always confident and know that as long as we are at home in the body we are away from the Lord. We live by faith, not by sight.” 2 Cor. 5:6-7

"Many times we cannot solve problems, heal hurts, change circumstances, or win our own battles. We must kneel in prayer, then stand to see what He will do. We must leave room for God, staying calm and giving Him time to work."

This week I've been doing a lot of reading. Trying to understand what, why, and how my life is apart of God's plan, when I feel helpless and hopeless at times. For the last few months it has seemed like God has been so far. In fact, the other night I sat out on the back patio and just looked up at the stars. As I sat there and looked up.....it felt like God was so far. The stars were millions of miles away and yet the Lord knows each star. The perplexing thought that continues to come to my mind was how could a God who created the vastness of the sky also know and care about the intimate details of a small person like me. I don't get it. I don't get how God can be so big and yet so concerned with a simple person like me. I will be honest and say that as a I looked out at the sky apart of me began to doubt that the Lord could or will work in my life. For so long I've begged the Lord to provide me with a community of friends here in my town that would uplift me, encourage me, and speak truth in my life....and still i seem to be seeking that sense of having a community of believers who are intentional and passionate about loving each other. The quote i wrote above captures where i stand in life right now....hurting, wondering, hoping, and waiting.

I did find great encouragement today in a song that I heard on the radio. There's a line in this song that says this:

"Set backs and failures, and upset plans, test my faith and leave me with empty hands. Are you not the closest when it's hardest to stand. I know you will finish what you began. And these broken parts you redeem, become the song that I can sing......so here i am, send me."

Lately I've been so thankful that God chooses to use broken people. That it's when you are most broken and unable to stand that God uses you. I know this more than anybody. As the five year anniversary of my accident came and went my prayer was a prayer of Thanksgiving. I prayed that the Lord would continue to take all of my broken parts (physically, spiritually, relationally, etc) and that I could give up control of my life and let the redeeming story of Christ's power in my life be the song that everyone can see. All the Lord asks is that I come to him with open arms willing to let him work in and through me. That has been my prayer and will continue to be my life story. I may be broken, but I'm ready for the Lord to use me in whatever way that may look like.

"Faith raises the soul above the difficulty, straight to God Himself, and enables one to stand still. We gain nothing by our restless and anxious efforts....it is therefore true wisdom, in all times of difficulty and perplexity to stand still-to wait only upon God and He will assuredly open a way for us."

And so I continue to wait for God to open a way...........